George, Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer
Scene IV
(Opens to Jerry’s apt where Jerry is at his table writing. George is reading a magazine on the couch. All is quiet, until the door buzzer buzzes. Jerry impatiently takes a deep breath. George goes over to intercom.)
George: Yeah?
Elaine: It’s me.
(George buzzes her in. He goes back to the couch to read. Elaine enters)
Elaine: Hey guys! What’s up?
George: (immediately jumping up from the couch) Shhhhh! He’s writing.
Elaine: (loudly) The dream?!
(Jerry looks frustrated)
George: (nodding) Shhhh, yes. He’s not to be disturbed. He’s writing.
Elaine: (making an Elaine-face) Oooooo. (whispers) I’m going to the bathroom, but I won’t flush.
George: (nods head and shoos her away He returns to the couch. The phone rings. Jerry looks up in dramatic disbelief) Hello?… Yeah, Kramer. Hi…. No, nothing… We’re just waiting on Jerry to finish writing. He’s remembered…..
Kramer: (Enters in a flash) What is it?! What’s the dream?!
George: (hanging up the phone and waving his arms at Kramer to keep it down) Shhhhhhhhh!!!!! We don’t know yet. He’s still writing it all down.
Kramer: (nods and walks over to the fridge) Hey, Jerr, ya got any Snapple?
George: Do you mind? He’s writing here!
(Elaine comes back. All of them wait impatiently for Jerry to finish; they check their watches or rock back and forth on their heels. George paces. Kramer begins tapping his fingers loudly on the counter top. George and Elaine glare at him. He stops. They wait some more. Finally, Jerry gets up from the table. Without a word, George, Elaine, and Kramer flock to the couch to listen.)
Jerry: Ok. Do you remember Shirley Bradford? (no response) Remember we dated a couple times a few years back….(George, Elaine, and Kramer look to each other) Remember, the one who was obsessed with me.
Elaine: A woman obsessed with YOU?
Jerry: It could happen.
Elaine: Was this before or after me?
Jerry: Before. Come on George. Think. She kept calling me up and buying me things…. The red-head with the big you-knows.
George: The one who pulled off the knobs on your car radio and followed behind you singing through her Mr. Microphone?
Jerry: Yeah, that’s the one.
George: Boy, was she psycho.
Elaine: You dreamed about this woman?
Jerry: Yeah. We were married.
George: Yikes! No wonder you forgot it.
Jerry: Yeah, well, that’s not the point…
Kramer: How big were her you-knows?
Jerry: That’s not important to the dream.
Elaine: I’d like to know how big they were.
Jerry: I don’t know. Big!
Kramer: Well, big for you might not be big for me.
George: We’re talking bowling balls. Ho-boy, were they big.
Jerry: Enough with the you-knows! The point is that I’m married. It doesn’t matter to who. My idea is that the show be about a newly married couple and all the things they go through.
Elaine: But you’re not married. How can you know all about and write a show about married life if you’ve never experienced it?
Jerry: I saw my parents. I’ve got nineteen years of research living with them.
Elaine: So you’re an expert?
Jerry: Well, I’ve got an idea of what it would be like. They used to fight all the time over t.v. shows; whose turn it was to do the dishes; whether the toilet seat stays up of down. That kind of stuff.
Elaine: And that’s what the show will be about? THAT’S your great idea?
Jerry: Well, there are some goofy neighbors who are always bothering us for ice or toothpaste. (no response) And the in-laws who hate my guts. (no response) And a dog who never waits to do it outside (no response).
(They pause for a moment slightly looking at each other, their hands, the floor, etc)
Elaine: And that’s it?
Jerry: Yeah.
(They are all quiet again)
Jerry: It’s funny.
Elaine: (After another brief pause) I’m sorry, Jerry, but that’s not funny.
Jerry: Whadaya mean, it’s not funny. It’s hilarious.
Elaine: No, Jerr. It’s actually pretty….. dumb…
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Dumb.
Jerry: What?!
George: Ridiculous.
Kramer: Insipid.
Jerry: Oh, so now all of you are authorities on funny? You know what’s funny? What have any of you said that’s funny? What creative ideas have you had that are funnier than mine?
Elaine: (After a brief pause) Why not still have the show based on real life….. Why not have it be about a hot shot comedian who gets his chance at the big time with a television show, but blows the opportunity….. The show is cancelled after one show…. His self esteem is blown. He finally finds himself unfunny. He still does comedy clubs, but just isn’t getting the same laughs and applause as before.
Jerry: Oh will you stop this!
George: No, no. I want to hear the rest of this. Go on.
Elaine: The comedy clubs stop calling him. He’s finding less and less work. Finally, to pay the bills, he begins doing commercials.
Jerry: Commercials? Oh, please. What self-respecting comedian would do commercials?
Kramer: Not-so-funny ones.
Elaine: At first the big national companies won’t touch him, because now he’s a has-been. He has to do local commercials.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah! Like for that used car salesman who bashes those old cars with a sledgehammer.
Elaine: Exactly! Or like for that hardware store where the guy dresses up like a rabbit.
George: Strictly tack material. I’m liking this idea!
Jerry: I’m not dressing up like a rabbit! I’m NOT doing commercials. I’m still funny!
Elaine: Then he finally gets his big break. He becomes the national spokesman for a credit card company. (They all start laughing, except for Jerry)
Kramer: Oh, Elaine. That’s funny!
Jerry: Would you stop encouraging her? This is not funny!
George: We’ve got a whole two season’s worth of material here!
Elaine: Yeah. What I’m thinking is that we can start the first episode with the comedian debating whether or not to enter a 12-Step program to help his self-esteem. (Laughs)
Jerry: I don’t need therapy! I feel fine!!
Elaine: Another show could have him actually taking comedy lessons. (More laughs)
George: Wow! Let’s call up the producers and tell them we’ve got a new writer!
Kramer: (Still laughing) This is funny, Elaine! This is REALLY FUNNY!!!
Jerry: Whadaya mean, she’s funny? I’m funny! ME!!!
George: (Laughing) You’re really funny, Elaine!
Jerry: I’M FUNNY!!!!! I’M FUNNY!!!!!
(Jerry’s phone rings. Elaine picks it up)
Elaine: Hello?…… Hello?….. Hellllllllooooooooo?……..
(The phone continues to ring. The scene blurs to Elaine’s bedroom. The phone’s ring becomes sound of Elaine’s alarm clock, waking her up. She turns off the alarm. Takes a big yawn and stretch, then stops suddenly and smiles)
Elaine: (Voice over) Oh my gosh… What a great dream…. I’ve gotta write this down!
The End.