Scene III


(Open to a health club locker room. Jerry is changing. George enters)

George: Jerr, ya gotta take a look at this stuff.

Jerry: What is it? (looks at pamphlets given to him) You’re getting contacts?

George: You’re damn right I am!

Jerry: Contacts? What caused all this?

George: I had the most incredible dream last night. It was a revelation!

Jerry: What is this? Everyone-remembers-their-dreams-but-me-day?

George: Yeah, it was a great dream. It’s changed my life! I’m a new man!!!

Jerry: Alright. I’ll bite. What was the dream?

George: OK. Listen to this. I’m trapped on a tropical island populated only by gorgeous Amazon women. They were tall and beautiful with legs that wouldn’t quit!

Jerry: How tall were they?

George: What?

Jerry: How tall?

George: I don’t know. Tall.

Jerry: What. 5’10”? 5’11”?

George: I don’t know! TALL!!!

Jerry: Well, tall for you might not be tall for me.

George: Fine! They were seven feet tall! Is that good enough for you??

Jerry: Seven feet? That’s pretty tall.

George: Yeah. And they only liked short balding men.

Jerry: Lucky for you.

George: You’re tellin’ me! They wanted me to dip my head in oil and rub it all over their naked bodies.

Jerry: You’re pretty obsessed with that concept, aren’t you?

George: The problem was that they didn’t like glasses. A whole colony of beautiful Amazon women, and they wouldn’t let me get close to them ‘cause I wore glasses.

Jerry: Did you try taking them off?

George: I’m blind as a bat without my glasses. What good is being with a woman if you have to feel your way around?

Jerry: There are worse things I can think of….

George: Well the fact was that none of these women would come near me. I woke myself out of the dream to escape the horror. Right then and there I knew.

Jerry: You knew what?

George: All those women in my dream didn’t like me because of my glasses.

Jerry: Yeah…..

George: Don’t you see?

Jerry: See what?

George: That dream was my life. Every girlfriend I ever had broke up with me because of these glasses.

Jerry: What??? That’s ridiculous!

George: No. I thought about this for hours last night. I replayed every relationship I’ve every had since the day I got these glasses’ til today. And every last one of my girlfriends broke up with me because of these.

Jerry: That’s the stupidest theory you’ve ever come up with.

George: It’s true! Remember three years ago what happened with Donna Ritkin?

Jerry: Oh, yes. The infamous Donna Ritken.

George: The night before she broke up with me, we went to dinner at that nice restaurant in Little Italy. Romantic setting, candles on the table, the whole bit. Everything was going great. I knew that night was gonna be big, if you know what I mean.

Jerry: No, but go ahead.

George: Anyway, like I said everything was going perfect until I slurped up one of my spaghetti noodles and the tail end of it slapped my left lens smack in the middle!

Jerry: So??

George: I was so embarrassed. I had to take the glasses off to clean them.

Jerry: So????

George: So that night WASN’T a big night, and the next day she broke up with me!!!

Jerry: Didn’t she break up with you because you wouldn’t commit?

George: Well, I thought that was it until I had this dream; this vision. It was the glasses. I was convinced of it. So I called her up to ask her.

Jerry: You called her up?

George: I called her up!

Jerry: Wait. You called her up???

George: Yup! I couldn’t wait. I had to know.

Jerry: Here is a woman you haven’t seen or spoken to in three years and you just called her up at three in the morning….

George: 4am. I thought about it for an hour.

Jerry: Well, what did she say?

George: I put it to her straight… Did you break up with me because of my glasses?

Jerry: And what did she say?

George: Well, she wouldn’t admit to it at first. She said I was crazy. But I kept pushing her to admit it; to tell me the truth. Finally, She said it. She broke up with me because of the glasses!

Jerry: Of course she said that! It was 4:00 in the morning! She would have admitted to being Hitler!

George: No, no. It was definitely the glasses. I’m getting contacts….. How do you think I’d look with baby-blue eyes?